Although it has never been seen, scientists are in no doubt about
the existence of the northern unspotted vuck. “It’s like a
biological version of the Stealth bomber,” says Dr. Albert
Tollinger of the University of Minnesota, “with two distinguishing
points. First of all, it works. Second, far from being harmful or
dangerous, it may in the long run prove very beneficial to man. I
think we can state categorically that, even if many humans are
anti-vuck, the vuck is not anti-human.”
Dr. Seth Guildenlily of Harvard University agrees with Dr.
Tollinger. “There’s no doubt about the vuck. The vuck is for
real. The evidence is overwhelming. Dr. Tollinger has done a
great service for science. He was the first one to notice and he’s
had to put up with a lot. Acceptance never comes easy when it’s a
question of a fundamental discovery that calls for a paradigm
shift.”
Dr. Regis Spikenard of Yale concurs. “We don’t have all the pieces
of the puzzle yet, but we can see the outline. There is no doubt
that the vuck has evolved along with man, that the evolution has
been faster than we biologists thought possible, or that it is now
in serious danger. The vuck is not just one little black airborne
nocturnal creature who probably has a huge cerebellum and very
advanced frontal lobes. The significance of the vuck goes far
beyond the vuck itself. We don’t need to see it. It’s enough that
we’ve inferred it. If we lose the vuck, we’ve lost the whole
ballgame.”
“I’m excited about it,” exclaimed Dr. Spikenard. “I’m passionate
about it. I’m committed. And so are the kids. Anyone who cares
about the future, has not just to care about the vuck, but to love
it. I don’t feel that I’m being blasphemous if I paraphrase the
Bible, ‘Love the vuck as thyself.’ That’s the bottom line. We
have to stand up and be counted.”
Michael Norberg, founder and president of Forget The Vuck, which
now claims to have three and one half million dues paying members,
couldn’t disagree more strongly. “Look,” he says, “I can’t see it.
I can’t catch it. I can’t cook it. I can’t taste it. If you
can’t hunt it with today’s technology, it doesn’t exist. Don’t
forget, we’ve got infrared, sonar and a satellite capacity that is
really staggering, even though most of it is classified, so most
citizens don’t even suspect what it can do. The vuck is a hoax
dreamed up by some eastern academics and peddled to college kids
and frumpy middle-aged middle class ladies who refuse to admit they
miss the cold war. It might as well be Piltdown man. All I can
say is that the vuck is no good for America. I have personal
letters from Presidents Nixon, Ford and Reagan, as well as Dr.
Henry Kissinger. They’re all with FTV on this one. We can’t
compromise. If we do, we’ll be even worse off than we are now.”
Senator Felix Cuddlebump, Democrat of Rhode Island, now in his
second term, sounds perplexed. “When I first ran for the Senate,
I didn’t imagine an issue like the vuck. No one did. Nothing like
it has come up before. As I understand it, it’s not precisely a
mammal. It’s not precisely a bird. What it is, is beyond me. Yet
our Nobel Prize Winners are convinced it exists. Forty-three of
them signed a statement. That’s good enough for me. Why, those
fellows are almost as bad as politicians. If forty-three of them
can agree on the vuck, that means something.”
“Now, as you know, we in Rhode Island have a special interest in
the vuck. We’re the smallest state in the union. Since one vuck
breeding pair requires a state for its habitat, we know we’re the
natural first candidate for evacuation. We’re going to have to
bite the bullet on this one. I think Roger Williams will go with
us wherever we go. Now, these scientists say the whole ecosystem
depends on it. Of course, it would mean the loss of a lot of jobs.
It would mean the loss of my seat. But that’s a small matter
compared to the national interest.”
Ichabod Humperdinck, Senior Research Fellow at the Northern
Hemispheric Center for Integrative Serendipity, points to possible
international dimensions of the vuck question. “At this point in
our understanding of the vuck, we simply can not say with any
assurance how the vuck sees boundaries. If the vuck is for real
here in this country, there is no reason to suppose that the vuck
is not also for real in other countries. As of now, we just don’t
know where the vuck stops. What we do know is that the Group of
Seven can not afford to act like headless horsemen on this one.
First, we need real facts. Then we need real leadership. The
clock is ticking.”
“How much will the vuck cost? You just can’t measure this kind of
thing in dollars and cents. You can’t get it in yen or even in
Deutschmarks. Rubles, of course, are worthless. There are so many
imponderables. For example, if we discovered there were natural
reservoirs of vucks in Africa or Asia, that would change
everything,” says Helmsley Billings, chief ecoonomist for Smith
Barnacle.
“We make predictions the old fashioned way, by guessing. My guess
is the vuck is just the tip of the iceberg. Once we admit the
reality of what we can’t see, there are fabulous new opportunities.
Many American families will have to double up.
“If the vuck need twenty-five states and our oxygen supply depends
on them, then I’m sure people will have no problem moving in with
each other. Greater population density will cut transport costs
and decrease our carbon footprint and produce attractive new markets.
We’ve seen that over and over.
I’m not a doomsayer myself. I’m sure the vuck will be able to
tolerate some receational incursions in their habitats and that’s
going to make for tremendous weekends. The real problem is pacing
and financing. But where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Mary Strickenberger of Des Moines, Iowa, sums up the whole
controversy when, at a supermarket exit poll, she says, “I just
don’t know whether to think. It’s hard luck either way, whether
for my family or for the vuck.”